Dunk Base

This, ladles and gellyspoons, is the Wildly Random and Obscure Pop Culture References edition of the 2011 NBA Finals Preview.

Why? Well, why not? Peppered into the analysis are going to be 11 comically and ridiculously random pop culture references, if for no other reason than to keep myself entertained. You don’t think I’m serious? Let me tell you, I’m as serious as attorney Wayne Jarvis from Arrested Development (Hiyooo! There’s 1).

The NBA Finals start in three days.

However, this is not a preview. This is a retrospective. This is me, nearly at a loss for words, trying to make sense of what exactly has gone on in the last three weeks.

I’m not going to waste time beating around the bush. The second season starts tomorrow. Here are 11 predictions for Round 1 of the 2011 Playoffs:

1. If Healthy, Roddy Beaubois will have a field day against Portland

For some reason, Portland can’t contain explosive guards. Monta Ellis annihilated them in all of their meetings during the regular season, as did Dwyane Wade, as did Eric Gordon, as did Russell Westbrook, as did Derrick Rose. Also, if you recall back to last April, Jason Richardson torched them in Round 1, including a 42-point outburst in Game 3. Obviously Beaubois isn’t as good as any of those players, but he played well against Portland in both games that he was healthy for (34 combined points in 47 minutes, 12-18 from the floor).

Trying to select a player for the 2011 NBA Most Valuable Player award is a lot like trying to select the most attractive cast member on Jersey Shore. Nobody really deserves the recognition that you’re trying to give them. If we were to use a time machine and compare the 2011 MVP candidates to the candidates from a particularly strong year (like, for example, 2008), the 2011 candidates probably wouldn’t even crack the top four.

This year’s batch of contenders doesn’t have one that completely stands out above the rest, like LeBron did in 2009 and 2010, or like Kevin Garnett did in 2004, or Shaq did in 2000. It also doesn’t have a group of 3 or 4 REALLY strong candidates that each have legitimate cases (like in 2008 with Kobe, Chris Paul, Kevin Garnett, and LeBron James, or in 2006 with Steve Nash, Kobe, Dirk, LeBron, and Chauncey Billups). This year’s batch is a lot like the 2007 batch, where there was a group of five or six guys that you ended up talking yourself into even though they were all pretty flawed.

By now, I’m sure you’ve heard the stats that the Miami Heat are only 6-13 in games decided by 5 points or less, and that they are 1-18 on shots that would either tie or win the game in the 4th Quarter or Overtime.

On the surface, these seem like pretty damning statistics. After all, teams that can’t close out close games don’t go on to postseason success, right?

Actually, wrong.